the whole world in my arms

liberation

2007-02-11T22:29:39Z

is it completly wrong to say i feel liberated? i mean after breaking up with my (now x) boyfriend? i was sad, i still am i feel bad it ended the way it did, because the truth is i didn't want to end it. people just get in the way.
i know it sounds niave to say i love him, just because it sounds like a typical highschool relationship, but i do :] now ofcourse it's a different love. you can't really put an age or a time on love. i don't believe in love at first sight, i believe in lust at first sight, but once you really get to know someone, you do love them, i think some people who critize relationships all the time are dumb, because you can find love in anything, or anyone. i broke up with sam because i got angry and had no time to cool-down or talk about it with him i just heard some stupid rumors and i guess i just got tired of it, i regret it but if he doesn't really care and he's just done with it as easily as it seems then i'm glad i did it. i want someone to love me (other than my parents and siblings) unconditionally. it was nice to have sam to talk to and just be content with when i saw him, but ofcourse things have changed, we are still friends, but how long will that last? hopefully for a while. oh jeez our world is cruel. people's assumptions are horrible sometimes. people are horrible. i'm tired of people, everyone tries to rip each other apart, and for what? seriously for what? people start things and backstab other people and then finally you give up.
i have a physcologist and a therapist. i've been to the doctor 3 times in the past month for check-ups on this new medicine they want to give me (anti-depressents) things seem strange and awkward sometimes. i recently went on a trip to tampa with my family and found it quite enjoyable everyone was smiling and laughing taking pictures. i think i want to move into one of the little towns we passed on the way up there. i think it'd be delightful.
i wrote about 40 pages on my way back :] and i read two books. i felt enlightened. it seems when im with my family i'm at my best, because those are the people i feel the closest with (obviously) today was my bestfriends birthday and tommorow is my older sisters, tuesday is the day to remind me i have no one. but at this moment, this exact minute i feel like i have everyone, even if i actually don't.

don't you fake it

2007-01-28T07:04:43Z

today was an amazing day, not only did it consist of going to parties the entire day but i spent it with good people. my mind is clouded with thoughts i can't quite understand anything at the moment, lately ive been feeling sad and depressed i am going to a physciatrist next week just because its driving me crazy, its driving me crazy that i dont know what happening. people change around me too fast no one wants to slow down with me...everyone is just flying by and its making me angry, i dont want to be angry anymore but is the only way to get out of anger to take away all your happiness.

i feel like i've been lamenting over stupid things all week, they may seem stupid but things are breaking me, they are making my mind and heart churn inside my body.
i feel like i want to rot somedays after school, then there are others when its nice.

i physically feel like my happiness is slipping right through my fingers.

and i can't grasp it because maybe it was never there in the first time.

we always need to work for it, but i dont want to anymore.
i dont want to work for happiness because maybe i dont deserve happiness.

atleast now i dont, the only people who at the moment i want to make me happy, are not.

they are making me angry,
the people who do make me happy, try so hard
and what used to be so simple now seems complex.

my mind has turned into a maze.
where even the simplest things i say mean a complicating cryptic message.

i dont know what to do.

i just dont.

joey if you read this...reply, i know i PHYSICALLY dont know you. but you seem to know alot of stuff about stuff.

you know one of those STUFFKNOWERS.

and frankily, i am not.

spill your wisdom on me, and let me filter it in my mind.

"when will we ever get out of this labyrinth of suffering???"

"fast and hard."

my only sunshine

2006-12-17T21:03:09Z

Does he kiss your eyelids in the morning when you start to raise your head?
And does he sing to you incessantly from the space between your bed and wall?
Does he walk around all day at school with his feet inside your shoes?
Looking down every few steps to pretend he walks with you.
Does he know that place below your neck that is your favorite to be touched
and does he cry through broken sentences like I love you far too much?
Does he lay awake listening to your breath?
Worried that you smoke too many cigarettes.
Is he coughing now on a bathroom floor?
For every speck of tile there's a thousand more
you won't ever see but most hold inside yourself eternally

Well, I drug your ghost across the country and we plotted out my death.
In every city, memories would whisper: "Here is where you rest."
I was determined in Chicago but I dug my teeth into my knees
and I settled for a telephone and sang into your machine.
You are my sunshine, my only sunshine
You are my sunshine, my only sunshine

I kissed a girl with a broken jaw that her father gave to her.
She had eyes bright enough to burn me. They reminded me of yours.
In a story told she was a little girl in a red-rouge,
sun-bruised field and there were rows of ripe tomatoes where a secret was concealed.
And it rose like thunder, clapped under our hands.
And it stretched for centuries to a diary entry's end where I wrote,
You make me happy oh!! when skies are gray
You make me happy oh!! when skies are gray and gray and gray.

Well the clock's heart it hangs inside its open chest with its hands
stretched towards the calendar hanging itself but I will not weep for those dying days.
For all the ones who have left there are a few that stayed.
And they found me here and pulled me from the grass where I was laid.

so basically

2006-11-28T03:13:54Z

i haven't wrote in here because i simply do not know what to write.

theres good days and bad days and today was a little good alittle bad.
yesterday was sam & i's 1 month anniversary.

wow my longest relationship this year lol
things with him are good. ;D

things seem good but it seems like alot of my frienships are falling apart.
people tangle themselves into each other's lives and sometimes it's so hard to get out.

my parents still fight frequently nothing big, but it still irritates me and makes me feel extremly worried and uncomfortable. it's strange because even if i'm so pissed off at them and they fight right after i feel all worried and sad cause i don't want them to fight.

my parents asked me today why i'm always so crabby to them and i laughed.
i mean really laughed.

THEY are the one's who never understand me.
THEY are the one's i feel bad sometimes.
THEY are the one's who make me feel like i fail all the time.

i took another bite from my mashed potatoes looked up and smiled.

they said "your always so nice and sweet to your friends, and crabby to everyone else"

that made me laugh harder.

besides from all the things they make me, ^
i really thought.

maybe the reason your nicer to friends is because A]they usually understand you. B] you get to choose them, lol. C]they usually share the same interests, somewhat.

or because if you were mean to them they might drop you, or not like you as much.

but my parents hmmm, well i know they love me forever...unfortunatly lol.
and i know whatever i say in the longrun they will forgive me for it, they might still remember it but i'm never EVER afraid that they will get mad at me and not love me. i'm afraid they'll take away my cell phone or computer.

------------------------------------

gtg sam is calling, man & i was on a roll!

drop it

2006-11-07T02:03:03Z

you know those days that you seem extremly happy but you don't know why?

hmm today was one of them.
nothing amazing happened but it was fun.

i have a boyfriend, amazing i know. i was pretty surprised as well. we sort of feel the same about relationships so its funny :D

:]

jhkyhiujldf
me and samkablam patched things up.

lacrosse starts soon, conditioning was today.
i'll write more later :P

dive right in

2006-10-28T18:56:35Z

haha. i haven't wrote in here for a couple days, been busy with life.

too many things have happened in so little time, i don't know where to start.

mostly guy drama. but i don't really care. i hate when my GUY friends want to be something more, but i ONLY want to be friends, then it becomes awkward and you just feel weird, because you don't feel comfortable talking to them about things now that you know they have feelings for you.

everyone confuses me, i don't want a boyfriend, i really don't.
i like being single, it's cool no strings attached =D

i like someone, but i don't want a relationship. or anything, just stop making my life more complicating, plus other girls are driving me crazy about something that happened last night at my party. i seriously dont care anymore, people should just realize that to only worry about yourself in some cases. it gets annoying when your friends act like your parents.

whatever.

im younggg, let me live my life the way i want.
i suck at math,
i'm always in trouble.
i do things i probably shouldn't.
but somehow, i'm still alive.

so chill kids, im not stupid.

most people probably won't get what im talking about but the main thing about this entry is that im confused about alot of stuff, i dont know what my feelings are for people right now because there are so many other problems that interfere with everything.

i dont even know

i am a pirate

2006-10-23T20:50:43Z

"is their a whole in your heart, or am i mistaken"-playradioplay! is lovee.

today was so strange.
i was overly happy even though today wasn't that great i guess.

i was just happy, like i was smiling relaly big.

my friend told me he liked my glasses, so i took them off and he was like "you have really pretty eyes katia" i was like "...." haha boys are so cheesy.

my eyes are brown, brown eyes are ugly.
well atleast for me.

haha

i dont know, i just feel blah weird.

you know when you get confused about one thing thats so simple,

like right now.. i sorta like this kid.
he's cool and one of my friends.
we sort of have different friends and i feel awkward when i'm around his friends, etc.

but whatev!

im sorta like hesistant about it.
because first off i don't want a boyfriend, not now atleast.

but maybe one day someone will change that.

im really happy that i'm patching up alot of my relationships.
sometimes you just have to let things go.
i guess that's why this year seemed so erghg;; probably because in my head for a while i had it set on my mind that this year was going to suck. but actually it's pretty good.

ohh welllll, last year was better, but who know's this year might be great.

anyways
we're all chilling at sam & marc's on saturday i think.

sam is a stud muffin<3 :D

:]
should be fun, last time we got together was a while.
minus homecoming, lol

.....with the glory of loveeeeeeeeeee, yeahhhhh!!!...doo doo doo doo doo, dooo doo doo doo, ok....."

lol

that song is stuck in my head.
yeah.

:]

so basically im ok right now.

POWERPOP POWERPOP POWERPOP, JAC IS LOVE!!!

love?

2006-10-23T01:20:13Z

well today was really fun.

i sort of got sad during the middle, just because my parents are stupid.
i haven't talked to my dad since a while, and it sucks because.. i dont talk to him!!!!!

i wish i could talk to him more often.
i regret so many things i've said, i swear sometimes i feel like i don't have a brain, i guess ignorance is my specialty.

we decorated for my halloween party, and it looks pretty cool.

not as cool as lastyear but ohh well, it still looks sick. haha

i have so many mixed emotions right now it's insane.

which is why i'm going to slow down for a while.
see what happens.

i seriously have no idea what i want to say.
i'm both happy and sad, sometimes i have a grin on my face, but im so URHGHGH SAD.

so i guess you could say i'm passive.

which is why i suck at alot relationships, etc.
im very passive.

shake it

2006-10-22T01:17:00Z

i've been listening to that song all day, and dancing.

today i decorated my house for halloween, not even close to done, tommorow i have to clean my room... and my do my laundry then im gunna chill with clayton and bret, hopefully.

while i was taking the things down from the attic and rearranging everything me and hazel kept talking about every single thing.

if we saw a skeleton from the year before we were like "omg remember when ____ screamed and did ____" lol
so it took us forever to start getting things done.

i felt sea sick form staring at the strobe light so long.
haha

i guess today was an okay day, nothing that great.

i ate downtown with my family - amanda.

lol
and i begged my mom to let me go to ray's but i didn't oh well, im not that bummed.

i'm talking to my friend right now, he's pretty cool.

he always makes me laughhhh :D

wooooohoo<3333

CLOSED DOOR

2006-10-20T00:01:20Z

sometimes i feel like i can't be expressive.
and sometimes i feel like i'm just better on my own. and you know what maybe i am, not everyone needs someone.

does someone need someone to find happiness.
i think that you can find happiness without someone, on your own.

within yourself.

you cannot rely on someone to make you happy.

i know people shaking their heads right about now saying, all you need is love.

well that may be true but what about love for something like photography or writing, or friends. not necessarily a boyfriend/girlfriend, etc.

i think the meaning of life is to just find happiness, and i think religion sometimes is total bullcrap.

but its weird i believe in god, but there's WAYY to many bad things that happen. i mean too much.

some of my friends parents are dead, some in acoma some of my friends just have messed up lives.

one of my friends did not believe in anything, mainly because so many bad things happened you can't believe.

her father was abusive, her mother died, she got taken away by people because her dad tried to rape her or something. she never had birthday's or christmas presents, her dad would buy stuff for her brother. she said her dad would never buy them food and only buy alchohal. when she moved in with her grandma and uncle they died a year after she moved in with them. she got kicked out by her aunt seperated from her brother and left whatever she had here.

i can't blame her for not believing because when bad things start to happen and you pray but it gets worse...
what do you do.

theres so many gods theres so many religions how can you choose i know the whole thing is to believe but i think that people made some religions up to give people hope to keep on living and think there is something better.

which is why i like buddhism, you don't believe in god but you believe in finding a complete understanding with the world.

but anyways that's just what i'm thinking.

i can find happiness on my own, and some people are just all about love.
love is a good thing and ofcourse i have had crushes...but it's not the only thing.

:]

now tell me,

REWIND OR FASTFOWARD

2006-10-18T23:52:42Z

sometimes i wish my life was like a movie and i could just edit it, take bits and pieces out...more like people or things people say.

and sometimes i wish i could just rewind to a perfect day or fastfoward and forget all this dumb stuff.

ahhh!

last year wasn't the greatest year but it was fun, and i liked it alot. i felt so much more different. this year i feel sort of dull with the exception on some moments. my friends are still great. but i guess i feel down more, and i'm shyer.

is it possible to become shyer, lol.

i use to not have one bit of shyness in me, now i suddenly find myself speechless at times or staring at the floor.

sometimes i feel my stomach drop when i don't know what to say.

ahhhhhhhh jeez, im so freaky. haha

i feel dumb for being so emotional yesterday but oh well, at that exact moment i was sad and i was mad at my parents.

but now i'm fine, i still think it was dumb, but whatever. people have issues.

i just hope i never get married!! i mean really..soulmates?? who needs one.
so then you can just argue about everything eventually and slowly fall out of love and just rot away..
hmmm i'll pass up on that one :]

well hazel wants to go on, my little sister...who is not so little. only one year younger.

and hazel, don't you forget it.
because 15 is wayy better than 14.

fer realz yo.

katia<3

ARGUEMENTS

2006-10-17T23:26:19Z

today was such a bad day.

i cried alot, i have been crying alot lately. which is weird because usually i NEVER cry...

my parents wen't out into this HUGE arguement for soooo long

they act like little kids, and i find it funny and sad.
i just wanted to yell "STOP!!! your being immature"

i'm so mad at them, why do they always have to fight.
they never care about anyone but themself.

and robert (stepdad) always has to have everything his way.

but a long story, but i dont really feel comfortable writing it so im not, if i know you ill tell you, but i seriously

just got so sad.

i've never been really religious and i was starting to, but now im back where i started.

if there is a god, he seriously needs to go back to school.

:[

better together

2006-10-16T00:18:35Z

today was a pretty good day.
i was hanging out with two good friends and my sister.
i think the best days is when you have nothing to do but just sit around talk and just basically do nothing. lol =]

today i rode my bike.
i haven't rode my bike since like 6th grade. i was like omg i still know how to ride haha. i met my friend at her house and she rode on my handelbars, my calves hurt extremly! haha on my way there i saw 2 alligators i was so scared haha. i was listening to underoath on my phone then i see something through the corner of my eye and i'm like OMG ahhh alligator!

there's a strobe light in my garage and a stereo system so we blasted some techno and put the strobelight.

we danced around while wearing ridiculous things and it was funny.
i'm pretty happy that i know kids who find fun in the most simplest things like me.

i guess i'm easily pleased, and i am.
i can have fun anywhere and anytime with anyone, as long as they are OPEN to having fun.

i think if someone wakes up and just thinks that there going to have a good day and won't be negative you'd be surprised how much life is easier that day.

i use to be reaqlly bitter about almost everything, now i feel more accepting.
i guess alot of people i met changed my perspective on alot of things.

=]